by Hope � 2003
I wanted a contract to spell out everything that I knew to be true – I wanted no lies or rationalizations to go along with a cave. If I was going to fail, I was going to do so with complete mental clarity. I decided that if I had to fall off the wagon, if I had no other option available in my mind, then I could cave…all I had to do was read and sign my contract. Though I have read it many, many times over the last few months I have never been able to bring myself to sign it. This is the contract I wrote…the contract I carry with me to this day:
Contract to Give Up
I give up my quit. Quitting is impossible and I cannot do it. I love dipping more than I love myself. I care about dipping more than I care about my personal health. I love dipping more than I love my family. I know this addiction will kill me, and I ACCEPT that fact. I enjoy spending time alone with my can more than I enjoy spending time with anyone else on the planet. I look forward to losing my jaw, my tongue, my throat, my life – it’s worth it. When I am lying in my hospital bed fighting a losing battle against cancer I will feel a sense of satisfaction knowing that this is the path I CHOSE. My only regret will be that I didn’t start dipping earlier in life. I will feel sorrow for my family�s heartbreak and suffer untold pain, but I know you must sacrifice for the things you truly love. I know ALL the consequences of my actions and I accept them fully and without regret. I hereby choose to give my life to this addiction – I do so with a smile on face.
In moments of weakness just remember, this can be done. Quitting is possible…..one day you will not need to dip to feel normal, you will not need it to function, you will get over those feelings of sadness and loss. Keep your eye on the ball, and never forget…the ultimate price in this battle is your life – and that’s always worth fighting for.
by Hope � 2003